Wednesday, 19 June 2013

June 19

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I keep focusing on all the things I should be doing. I know they need done but everyone of them feels like just another burden right now. I mean why do I need to do anything, except of course because somewhere somehow it is expected. I have several chapter reviews to do because I donated them to an auction so I have to do them but every time I think about it or try to get started I start to feel tired again and unfocused.

I know it is a combination of fibro-fog and depression but I don't care, it doesn't matter it just is and I don't know what to do about it.

I ... want to quit everything and sleep for a week, I want to go away and never come back, I want to get off the planet forever but I am not willing to be the tool of my own dissolution. More than anything else I want the hope and energy I had at the beginning of the year to come back, I am so tired of feeling sad all the time.

And before you go all...well you don't have to be just change your thinking... let me tell you that while it is easy to say I'm here to tell you it is not easy to do.

I know where the depression is coming from and I have tried for 20 years to make it fade but it just won't, my mothers death and the year that followed is etched into my mind as something I can't possibly hope to atone for or get past. I was the person who allowed the infection to pass into my mothers bloodstream, I was the one that had sex with my father after her death to prove I wasn't anything like her, I was the one who spent a year drunk and allowed my children to get hurt, my daughter spent sometime in a coma and my son spent some time in jail, in all of that I was responsible, I helped make those things happen, I may not have been the direct cause but I was the instrument and I have to live with that. Telling me to just accept and move on or worse to put the blame somewhere else so I can feel better just doesn't work for me.

I have lots of other things I feel responsible for too and while I wasn't the person most directly involved I was the root cause, do you understand that I feel like typhoid Mary with my family, do you comprehend that the hate I feel is directed at myself and not only my actions but my inactions are just one more thing to put on the sheet that St Peter will read, I will end up in hell and it will look a lot like my life right now, what is more I accept that as inevitable because I have no clue how to alter that path. If I could make some of those thing in my past not to have happened I would but I can't and moving past them just hasn't happened and I don't think it ever will.

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