I was planning on cheating and just send this out with the photo of the day prompt but I couldn't do it. If you have been following you know I've been dealing with some kind of stomach bug for the past week, it has added to my usual pile of crap and made it difficult for me to share.
I was reading about something Chris wrote last December and it occured to me that I do the surface complaining thing a lot but I never really share my thoughts completely. Itis too easy to imagine you dear reader sitting there teling me to stop being a whiner and do something about it. The therapist will tell you when you are ready you will be able to share completely everything you are feeling and deal with it in a healthy constructive manner. I am sorry but that may be true for others it is not true for me. I have tried to deal with it in a healthy constructive manner and as soon as someone said something that I felt lessened my pain and feelings I stopped dealing with them. The thing is I know my perception could be off in fact I'm sure it is off from what is societty's normal but this is my normal and I feel worn out, like nothing and noone in the worls matters least of all me. We are mostly an egocentric bunch we humans and I know other people are not laughing behind my back or making jokes about me and my "supposed" mental and physical ills but still the nagging feeling is there in the back of my mind.
I dropped two sets of friends because it felt like they were using my crazy to keep themselves entertained and I am not her to be someone elses entertainment unless I am up on a stage or something. My crazy has been getting worse I know it but I am so wrapped in the spiral of bad thoughts and feelings added up to less and less interaction or even reaction to the world around me I don't see the point of trying to fix it.
I was told my reviewing of fellow writers lacks emotion, I could not tell that person it is because I lack emotion, how do you explain to someone who hasn't been there that you have your emotions locked up because all they have ever done is make problems. I have no idea how I would do that nor am I sure people need to know that. I have no one I can count on to support me in my life except my grandchildren and they are too young to put that kind of burden on them.
My sil has PTSD from his time in Iraq, and my daughter suffers from an anxiety and mood disorder the doctor refuses to name. My oldest GD suffers or appears to suffer from Anxiety and Dysthymia bot and if I am locked down emotionally she is not far behing except that she is still young enough that she has outburst which help her cope. Even my son has Dysthymia or something similar and he is on medical marjiuana to cope with some major body injuries, broken bones and stuff.
Am I expected to take that out to a therapist and say I need help when I know that even if I am helped there is nothing I can do for them? I do not talk to other people except through this medium because I do not want to see the judgment on the so called normal faces. I speak clearly and concisly here but I would rather continue to live as I am that try to make friends or get involved in anything that would involve public interaction with people who don't know me unless I can be part of a large anonymous crowd.
It is better and safer for me to remain safe in my home, go out with the professor or my daughter to do things but only if it is only us, I was supposed to go dress shopping with her and her bridesmaids I stayed home, why because of the fact that I would be in public with people my daughters age and who I don't know well though most have been in my daughters life for a long time. I was supposed to volunteer at a craft event but I called in sick just hours before hand because I did not want to go out and face a bunch of strangers even for a good cause.
This is my crazy, this is my life and I am lost within it and lost within myself too I think.