Monday, 18 November 2013

Midnight Ramblings

I am preparing to take the next step in the process to obtain ODSP the last step, the legal step and my brain keeps going on about it. I think I need to get the diagnosis forms from my doctor and I need to talk to a lawyer and still it goes round and round in my head, whole conversations as if I'm talking to the  tribunal and trying to get them see that I do qualify but on and on and on and I know I don't have the paper work and I know I need to go to my doctors office on Thursday and I'm tring to figure out how I'm going to afford that. My daughter wants 240 for christmas shopping and I'm worried how I'm going to pay our bills and the rent. On and on , she wants to spend the money and pay the bills and I need money to get to the drs and I'm probably not going to be able to find it unless I ask Rob and I really don't want to ask Rob but it may be my only choice, the ODSp letter is dated for the 25th so I need to get the paper work out ASAP but I've been so sick & depressed this past three weeks that I haven't got it done. I want to sleep but my mind won't quit racing, I have to stop sleeping during the day it is really playing havoc with my body schedule. I need to get active on the weight loss stuff again. I need to deal with all the piss ant stuff that piles up all the time. I have at least managed to get my closet done and the main room though I still want to go througfh my clothes and pare it down so I have a seven day wardrobe and a few things for exercise and a couple of dress outfits and give away or toss the rest with the aim to replace everything  a piece at a time as I lose weight.Round and round my mind goes and where it stops no one knows. I want to get some sleep but it just isn't comong, I think I'm going to have to switch my medication to the mornings but then I'll end up even more tired than I have been. I need to stop sleeping and get on with life, I slept , have slept most of the days from Wednesday to today and I can't keep doing that, I really can't. It interferes with getting the things taken care of that need to be taken care of. I am supposed to do a budget and a grocery list for Ness & dean and I keep wondering why I'm still doing it after a yerar, she just doesn't get it and he is so worried about upsetting her that he lets her spwend even when he know he shouldn't. It the whirl finally slowing down. It would be nice if it would, The ODSP stuff is heavy, heavy on my mind because I have left myaself so little time. I hope I can get the paperwork and the legal stuff straightened out this week, It's all the time I have left. The doctor will see me near the end of the month and he is going to be disgusted because I haven't been trying very hard to fix the weight issues even though my body reminds me daily the wear and tear carrying an extra hundred pounds does. Roundy round, roundy round please my brain settle down so I can sleep. Even concentrating on my breathe didn't help I just kept going back over the same thoughts, I am unable to work, hell I'm unable to care for myself because of the depression and the fibro and even losing weight ias not going to eliminate either problem, if anything it will make it worse because I will need to find another way to cope besides eating anf playing computer games once the weight is under control, so I don't regain it and put myself into one of those awful diet spirals again. It's bad enough with the depression

On & on round and round but I am finally yawning and feeling tired so maybe it was enough.

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