Friday, 8 November 2013

November 8th - More Madness

I sit here cursing this computer because even as I type this I figure you won't see it online before the 10th. This blasted box is having connection issues right, left and centre and as if that were not enough I have a pain in my gut and another in my hips that won't go away.

I could and will blame the hips on all the rain and cold weather we have experienced for the last eight days, the pain in my gut well that is new or rather a renewal of an old pain. The last time I had it the H Pylorii were having a party in my intestines I think they might have recovered enough to have another one. Or maybe it is just the physical manifestation of the stress I have been feeling regarding this whole weight loss thing. It seems to me that I am terrified to actually do anything physically active beyond the walking I need to do to get around. The why is hideous and silly and sad, I feel like a cask just waiting for some big muscular dude to come along and roll me down the street.  Or a more apt word picture might be a big pumpkin in an asparagus patch.

I know I need to do this, I know I should do this but I really don't want to go into a class full of other people and see myself as that one fat person who keeps acting like she's thin, which makes her look like a fool infront of the others in the class. Do I know it wouldn't be like that? Of course I do, I've seen one of the classes I'm interested in during a session, they do not look that much different than me in size and age range but still I hesitate, still when I think about going everything tenses up and the cramps in my gut get worse.

Irrational fear, totally and completely irrational but it stops me, causes me to second guess myself and avoid putting myself into the preceived bad position

stupid, stubborn and bordering on madness my fear of being laughed at or made fun of surfaces at the most unexpected moments. As mental blocks in is simplistic and you would think easily overcome but after nearly 50 years of harbouring it, it is so ingrained on my brain that it overwhelms all my common sense.

Almost time for bed, more later.

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